Stuck Between a Rock and a Hard Place
by debussy88
Summary: Short One-shot. New alien artifacts cause trouble for certain members of the team. Torchwood isn't always about saving the world. Mild Jack/Ianto.


**One-shot, just for fun. Author's note: I'll be gone for the next 10 days on vacation. My sincere apologies to everyone who may be waiting for an update to WWWYCR. I will definitely get the next chapter up either right after I return from vacation or within the next few days. Enjoy!**

Tosh was already at work when Ianto staggered in. That in itself was frighteningly unusual. Ianto never _staggered _in. Ianto walked in smoothly, before anyone else got there, and made exactly five cups of coffee before disappearing into the archives. Not this morning. Everyone saw him coming into work; late, of all the impossibilities. He stumbled in through the main door, lights flashing, alarms wailing, and grabbed hold of the nearest desk, dragging himself towards the coffee machine.

"Ianto?" Tosh's voice was surprised, and a little unsure.

She was the only one who heard Ianto's response. He mumbled a meaningless excuse, still staggering towards hot liquid caffeine.

"Overslept."

Tosh got up now, rising from her chair, frightened. She had one hand outstretched towards Ianto, as if she wanted to grab hold of him, just to prevent him from working. What was wrong? He was probably sick. That man didn't take enough time off.

Jack appeared right behind her, practically running down the stairs. He had noticed the alert and as soon as it rang through the Hub, and was now making his way towards the archivist. Jack had been pacing all morning. Now Tosh knew why.

"Ianto…what's wrong?" Tosh again. She quickened her step, following him towards the small kitchen in the Hub. He was still moving pretty slowly, and she caught up with him in about 30 seconds, keeping pace with his determined stride.

"Nothing, jus'…overslept."

Jack interrupted the slow conversation abruptly.

"You never oversleep." He stepped in front of Ianto placing a solid hand on his chest, narrowing his eyes at Ianto's obviously exhausted form. His head was down, eyes directed toward the floor, unlike Ianto's usual professional gaze. The man looked like all he wanted to do was lie down and sleep. His hair was sticking up at different angles, and his tie was just the slightest bit crooked.

"Owen!" Jack's shout was panicked. "Get up here now!"

Ianto winced. "Notso loud…god."

Jack ignored him and directed his attention towards Owen, who had just rounded the corner, looking very disgruntled at being interrupted by a hysterical Jack.

"Oi, what is it now?"

Jack gestured towards Ianto, his body language clearly saying something like 'good-gracious-Owen-just-look-at-the-poor-man-he's-totally-incapable-of-working-please-sit-him-down-before-he-kills-himself-he's-in-danger-of-dying!'

Owen replied as though Jack had spoken aloud. "Fine! We'll go run the damn scanner over him so that you can see that he's fine."

45 minutes later, Owen was driving everyone else insane. He had absolutely no idea what had been wrong with Ianto. He had run every test possible, and even though Ianto (by this time) had almost completely recovered, Owen refused to let it go. He couldn't just diagnose Ianto with a common cold, oh no. He had to get to the bottom of this mysterious illness, which was pretty much exactly like a hangover. Except Ianto hadn't had any alcohol in his system for the last 24 hours, as Owen had pointed out numerous times. Vehemently. The doctor had torn apart his records looking for similar symptoms, as well as Torchwood's records dating back practically 50 years. He interrogated both Jack and Ianto, and was still pouring over every medical reading known to man when Ianto ordered lunch.

Currently, Ianto was hanging around the main level of the Hub, trying to both simultaneously escape Jack and keep him at bay. The romantic idiot had been following Ianto around **all** day, refusing to keep his eyes of off Ianto's now, _perfectly healthy,_ form. Ianto was exhausted from all the running and keeping-at-bay. He was currently taking a break, slumped on the arm of the couch with his head buried in his hands.

That was when a very mad scientist-esque shout rose from the autopsy bay.

"I've got it!"

Ianto's head jerked up with a hint of relief finally visible in his eyes, only to see Jack looming over him like a very silent, yet concerned statue. Ianto gave a yelp and started violently, tumbling off the side of the couch. When he picked himself up (with a growled "_Jack."_), he was glaring, only to find there was no-one to glare at. At Owen's shout, Jack had looked up with an equally relieved look, and subsequently sprinted toward the medbay, vaulting over 4 stairs towards Owen, and towards any answers about this morning's not-quite-so-serious situation.

Ianto groaned.

Tosh was ignoring them all, absorbed in her latest program. This was only one of the many incidents she had learned to tune out, especially when she was working on something new. She did shoot a brief look of pity and concern Ianto's way, however.

Owen poked his head around the corner, and made one of those flat, ambiguous statements of his.

"Alien truth serum."

Ianto raised an eyebrow. "Excuse me?"

Gwen drifted over, her interest peaking.

"I've finally figured it out. I don't know how, but somehow, during the last 12 hours, Ianto was dosed with a mixture of chemical agents that are used for criminal interrogation." Owen walked over to the computer and started typing rapidly; pulling up his estimate of the readings on whatever drug was in Ianto's body.

"This is agent that's in his system right now. It's similar to what black-market dealers use when they want answers about back-alley dealings or something. It was outlawed by the World Health Organization after the FBI started to report detainees sustaining mild seizures. But- apparently- in the last few years, some alien planet has developed a similar drug, refining it for safe use. Only side affects aare…" Owen pulled up another screen, tapping it and pulling another display from the computer. He read off the symptoms. "drowsiness, headache, and excessive sleep." He paused for breath, and looked at Ianto again, a calculating and self-satisfied gleam in his eyes.

"I am a genius."

Jack glared at him. "Yeah, wonderful. Are you saying Ianto has been _drugged_?"

"How do we know for sure?" Jack and Owen turned to look at Gwen.

"What?"

"How do we know for sure that Ianto has been drugged? I mean, not that I don't trust your _excellent_ medical capabilities Owen."

Owen glared at Gwen. "Are you saying I'm not a good doctor?"

"Okay! That's enough. Owen, she does have a point. Do we have any conclusive evidence as to your diagnosis?"

"Only one way to tell for sure." He swiveled to face Ianto. "Ianto." A feeling of dread overtook the archivist. Owen winked, and continued conversationally. "What was the last thing you wrote in your diary?"

"Jack and I were kissing in the archives." Ianto slapped his hand over his mouth, and his eyes widened in alarm. He then proceeded to turn bright red. "Oh..." He turned his glare on Owen. "You _utter _tosser_."_

"Right! That settles it. Tea-boy has indeed been drugged up with an alien truth serum and can't really be let out of our sight for the next…" Owen checked his watch and did some mental math. "…16 hours, 7 minutes, in case he reveals something that the public really shouldn't know about many distant planets. Lovely." Owen turned to snap off his latex gloves and walked up towards the main level of the Hub to run some comparison work. He shouted over his shoulder as he left. "Oi! I'll still want that coffee tea-boy!"

Gwen peered at Ianto through the corner of her eye, looking much too mischievous for Ianto's liking. She was an awful gossip. This must be like a dream come true for Mrs. Cooper. Ianto groaned again, and dropped his head into his hands. This was a disaster. He elected to try and escape as soon as possible, before Gwen and Tosh decided to drag information out of him while they still could. Information that he would much rather keep _private_. Or just between Jack and himself. Gwen and Tosh were already stalking their dates on the CCTV footage.

Speaking of Jack… Ianto looked up through his fingers to see the Captain looking torn between concern and amusement. He seemed to be trying to make up his mind as to which to settle on. There would no help from him any time soon. Eventually, Jack would probably ask Ianto some questions himself, just to satisfy his ever growing curiostiy.

The only reprieve for Ianto would be from the questions the team might be too embarrassed to ask. And knowing the team, those questions would be few and far between. They were all completely shameless. Maybe Toshiko would save him from impending doom.

"So, Ianto…" He looked up to see Gwen grinning at him. "Where's the wildest place you two have ever fooled around in?"

Ianto closed his eyes again. It was better if at least one sense wasn't present for this torture.


End file.
